Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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