We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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