Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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