I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
