my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found a bag of teeth...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
