nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
