Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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