If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
