you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
