guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
