when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
