I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
