i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
