nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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