im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
