The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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