I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
