it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
