She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
