sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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