update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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