Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
