my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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