Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
