make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
