Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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