walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
