Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
