sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
