Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
