she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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