I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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