So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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