Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
