Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
