in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
