I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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