it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
