i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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