I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
