my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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