My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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