That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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