White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
