I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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