You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
