What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
