Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My vagina just recognized that song.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
