I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
