I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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