My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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