If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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