Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
