I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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