One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
