Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
