if you like me you must not know who I am
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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