I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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